Future Update

July 4, 2028 — With the nation only beginning to recover from months of governmental turmoil, today is expected to be the most forlorn Independence Day in U.S. history.

Americans will go through the motions of gathering for backyard barbeques, watching fireworks and chasing after kids who throw firecrackers into their lawns.  But the overall mood of the country will be anything but patriotic.

In the last three months, the country has transitioned from a democratic republic to a corporation to a dictatorship and finally back to a republic.  It began with Google’s acquisition of the U.S., followed by a military coup led by former Sen. Hillary Clinton and an ultimate rescue by the lunar armed forces.   

“The American people are more confused about their identity, about their leadership and about the future of our form of government,” said Horatio Ivee, a history professor at Harvard University.  “It’s created a kind of despondency, a kind of decadent resignation that I’ve never witnessed before. It’s like Jimmy Buffett’s ‘Why Don’t We Get Drunk and Screw’ is the new national anthem.” 

The national mood stems partly from a crisis of leadership. President George Prescott Bush has decided against running for a second term, and both political parties are scrambling to get nominees onto the November ballot. 

Festering environmental crises have also been weighing on the America spirit.  Several major coastal cities, including Seattle, Boston and New York City, are suffering from ongoing flooding due to climate change.  Water shortages abound in many southwestern states, resulting in widespread rioting.  And the shift to alternative forms of fuel, including cranberry juice cocktail, are proceeding slowly.   

The Bush administration is hoping the Olympic Games, set to begin Aug. 8 in Bismarck, N.D., will lift the country’s spirits a bit. 

Meanwhile, temperatures in Washington, D.C. are expected to hit 135º F today, which is expected to suppress the number of people attending activities on the National Mall.  A concert on the lawn of Capitol Building will feature Miley Cyrus, David Archuleta, the National Robotic Orchestra, and the president himself performing with his old high-school pal Enrique Iglesias. 

Jimmy Buffett is also expected to perform, although organizers of the event have asked him to stick to uplifting songs. That means fans won’t get to hear his aforementioned hit and his signature “Margaritaville.”

Country crooner Lee Greenwood, best known for his hit “God Bless the USA,” turned down an invitation to perform at the event, saying that he would rather spend the day at his villa in the south of France. 

Performers on the Capitol lawn tonight include, from left, Miley Cyrus, David Archuleta and Enrique Iglesias and President Bush

July 3, 2028 — President George Prescott Bush announced this morning that he will not run for re-election in November, saying the recent turmoil over control of the United States has left him disillusioned with public service.

In a live address to the nation streamed over the Web, Bush said he wants to pursue a music career with the help of high school classmate Enrique Iglesias. The two attended Gulliver Preparatory School in Miami. 

“I’d just rather have work that’s a little steadier than what this job has been over the last several months,” Bush said. “I’m sure the American people will understand.” 

Bush left Washington, D.C. in April after Google purchased the U.S. government in a $300 zillion transaction.  He briefly went into hiding in June when former Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) ordered her robot troops to start rounding up leading Republicans as part of her June 5 coup, which eventually failed.

Google on Monday sold the country back to the American people, prompting Bush to return to the White House to finish out his term.

Bush’s decision casts a huge degree of uncertainty on the leadership of the country, since both the GOP and Democratic parties are scrambling to come up with nominees for a November election that, because of the Google acquisition, was not expected to take place.  Vice President Eileen Wright and Tennessee Gov. Paul Terr are the leading contenders for the GOP nomination, says FU political analyst Ima Fulavitt.

FU has learned that the parties are considering a plan to have a nationwide primary in late July, so they can hold their conventions in late August.  For the primaries, Americans can simply use their personal telepathic headsets to cast their votes into their local precincts.