Agnostics Wage Campaign Against Lower-case T

May 21, 2028 — A fundamentalist agnostic group yesterday staged a demonstration outside an elementary school in Salem, Mass., demanding that the lower-case letter T be banned from public schools because it resembles the cross and therefore violates the separation between church and state.

“A ChrisTian symbol has no place in our schools, which our forefaThers designed to be devoid of undue religious influences,” said Sandra T. Monious, executive director of the group DoubTers for Justice (DFJ) and a picketer at the school. “This violaTion can be solved by simply removing The lower-case T from all TexT books and oTher school curriculum.”

The fundamentalist agnostic movement emerged 15 years ago as a backlash against the evangelical movement, and has pushed hard to keep any religious references out of the public education system.     

But now that Google has purchased the federal government and has subcontracted the Department of Education out to Sylvan Learning Centers, it may be difficult to meet the DFJ’s demands. At question is whether public schools are still considered public when they are owned by a private company.

Some say the DFJ has no case under the nation’s new corporate structure.

“This is just one of many atrocities that the U.S. government can nip in the bud now that it is a for-profit corporation,” said longtime conservative commentator Ann Coulter.  “Private schools can do whatever they want, so it may be that these Godless liberal bastards don’t have a leg to stand on and we can save the lower-case T from annihilation.”

Canseco Says Baseball Rife With Genetically Enhanced Players

April 28, 2028—In a new book, former slugger José Canseco accuses several seasoned Major League players of undergoing gene therapy to keep themselves strong and competitive as they age.

Among those named in Canseco’s latest tell-all book, “New and Improved: Genetic Manipulation in the Major Leagues,” are Boston Red Sox starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia and relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain, Cleveland Indians second baseman Dustin Pedroia, and Pittsburgh Pirates third baseman Ryan Braun.  He also points the finger at Yankees short-stop Derek Jeter, who at 54 is the game’s oldest player and who has spent his entire career with the same ball club.

Canseco claims these players have been secretly meeting with scientists from the Center for Genetic Manipulation and been injected with genes designed to slow the aging process and build muscle and stamina.

“This is going to be the steroid scandal of the late 2020s and beyond,” Canseco writes in the book, to be in book stores Tuesday. “It is physically impossible for these people to continue playing at their ages without some kind of unfair genetic help.”  

Canseco offers no substantiation for his claims, and doesn’t explain how he would know anything about cheating in baseball after having been out of the game for 25 years. 

The players all denied the charges contained in Canseco’s book.  

“New and Improved” marks the eighth tell-all book that the so-called “Bad Boy of Baseball” has written since retiring in 2002.  His first book, “Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big,” was published in 2005 and claimed that up to 85 percent of major league players took steroids.  Over the last quarter century, he has named former teammates including Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi and Iván Rodriguez as steroid users. And he has moved beyond baseball figures to level accusations of steroid use against other celebrities, including Madonna, Carrot Top, and the Incredible Hulk.