State Elections: Wisconsin In, California Robots Out, Arizonans In and Out

November 5, 2028 – Here are results from some key state-level proposals that came before voters yesterday:

Arizona: A proposed amendment defining life as beginning at the first consideration of intercourse was soundly defeated.  If passed, the proposed Arizona law would have defined “personhood” as beginning the minute a woman considers procreating, a measure made capable by the latest brain-scanning technology that can highlight areas of the brain associated with maternal instincts or simple lust.  Millions of Arizonans who voted against the measure are expected to have sex today.

California: A ballot initiative aimed at overturning a State Supreme Court ruling that allowed marriage between humans and robots remained undecided early today.  Elections officials believe some androids – who do not have the right to vote – may have illegally cast ballots.

Wisconsin: Residents rejected a proposal to secede from the union and become an independent country, with cheese, beer and bratwurst as its primary exports.  Although the measure at one point had huge support, voters ultimately grew concerned that secession would prevent the Green Bay Packers from remaining in the National Football League.

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Clinton Pledges to Be Altruistic Autocrat

June 9, 2028 — Through an intermediary, Future Update was able to secure an exclusive interview this morning with Hillary Clinton, who took over the country in a military coup on June 5.

Below are excerpts from the interview.

FU:  Why did you decide to take control of this country.

HC: Because it’s mine.

FU: When did you first start planning this action?

HC:  As soon as Google purchased the country in April.  I don’t like Google.  Too many people have Googled me over the years, and it’s an invasion of my privacy.

FU:  But you’re a public figure.

HC:  Yes, a public figure who now can control what people know about me. 

FU:  How did you organize the private army to carry out this coup?

HC: They are actually an army of fembots [female robots] that I purchased from an overseas supplier who wishes to remain anonymous. I didn’t have any luck recruiting real people.

FU:  World leaders have condemned your actions.  U.N. Secretary-General Bono has likened you to Genghis Kahn. How do you respond to your critics?

HC:  I think they’re being too harsh. I don’t want to rule with an iron fist. George W. Bush once described himself as a compassionate conservative. Well, my aim is to be an altruistic autocrat.

FU:  For the last 30 years, you’ve been trying to bring some form of universal health care to this country, without success.  Will that be a top priority now that you’re in charge?

HC:  Yes. Anyone who does not have health insurance will be executed.

FU:  You’re now rounding up Republicans and throwing them into prison. Isn’t that acting a lot like the despots you’ve condemned over the years.

HC:  Oh, c’mon. I’m locking up Ann Coulter. Do you really think anybody’s going to complain?

FU:  You’ve lost four bids for the White House over the last 20 years.  Some people are saying that this coup just shows that you’re a sore loser.

HC:  [Expletive] you! 

FU:  Once all the dust has settled, is there any way you would consider holding free and fair elections.

HC:  Yeah, right, like elections have really done me any good before.