July 3, 2028 — President George Prescott Bush announced this morning that he will not run for re-election in November, saying the recent turmoil over control of the United States has left him disillusioned with public service.
In a live address to the nation streamed over the Web, Bush said he wants to pursue a music career with the help of high school classmate Enrique Iglesias. The two attended Gulliver Preparatory School in Miami.
“I’d just rather have work that’s a little steadier than what this job has been over the last several months,” Bush said. “I’m sure the American people will understand.”
Bush left Washington, D.C. in April after Google purchased the U.S. government in a $300 zillion transaction. He briefly went into hiding in June when former Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-N.Y.) ordered her robot troops to start rounding up leading Republicans as part of her June 5 coup, which eventually failed.
Google on Monday sold the country back to the American people, prompting Bush to return to the White House to finish out his term.
Bush’s decision casts a huge degree of uncertainty on the leadership of the country, since both the GOP and Democratic parties are scrambling to come up with nominees for a November election that, because of the Google acquisition, was not expected to take place. Vice President Eileen Wright and Tennessee Gov. Paul Terr are the leading contenders for the GOP nomination, says FU political analyst Ima Fulavitt.
FU has learned that the parties are considering a plan to have a nationwide primary in late July, so they can hold their conventions in late August. For the primaries, Americans can simply use their personal telepathic headsets to cast their votes into their local precincts.
June 30, 2028 — Google has closed a deal to sell the United States back to the American public for the same price it paid to acquire the federal assets in April.
Google Chief Executive Larry Page and President George Prescott Bush, who has agreed to return to the White House for the final months of his term, announced the agreement in a joint news conference this morning.
“We are selling the assets back to you for the same $300 zillion that we paid,” Page said. “I just want the dump this bloody thing as soon as I can.”
Since Google closed its purchase of the federal government in April, Page has weathered a shareholder revolt led by nonagerian billionaire Carl Icahn and an attempted military coup by former Sen. Hillary Clinton. Clinton’s troops held Page and his family captive for two weeks until moon troops swept in and toppled the regime. While the public seemed to be satisfied with the privatization of the federal government, tradtional power brokers warned that Google was turning into a dangerous technocratic empire.
Bush said his first order of business will be to reassemble Congress and the executive branch, and to pardon all conservatives held as prisoners in Googleplex cells, except for pundit Ann Coulter.
“I don’t think anybody knows what to do with that nut job,” said a Bush supporter who asked to remain anonymous.
Bush said he will decide how to punish Clinton for her attempt to take over the nation. But Democrats argue that the fact that former First Lady was forced to share a cell with Coulter should be punishment enough.
Meanwhile, both the Democratic and Republican parties promised to proceed with their conventions that had been cancelled when the U.S. was sold. Bush has not yet said whether he will seek re-election. Democrats reportedly considering a presidential bid include former Senator Sherrod Brown (Ohio), Rep. Adrian Fenty (D.C.), U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Angelina Jolie, and, of course, Rep. Dennis Kucinich (Ohio).
July 25, 2028 — Amnesty International issued a report yesterday condemning the U.S. of Google for holding former Sen. Hillary Clinton in the same cell with conservative pundit Ann Coulter, saying the tactic represented cruel and unusual punishment for the former First Lady and Democratic presidential candidate.
“No one, not even someone who has done something as egregious as Mrs. Clinton did, should have to share a cell with Ms. Coulter,” the report states.
Mrs. Clinton, 80, has been in custody since June 16, when lunar troops toppled her military takeover of the country. Clinton troops had arrested Coulter and other conservatives, including Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity, following the former senator’s June 5 military coup. Once Google had regained control of the country, the company decided to keep the conservative prisoners behind bars.
Amnesty International made no mention of the conservatives’ imprisonment, but argued that Mrs. Clinton should be provided with an alternative cellmate.
Meanwhile, the machohideen, a group of Republican celebrities originally formed to fight against the Clinton regime, says it will stage a military strike on the Google complex if the conservatives aren’t freed. But the group reiterated its intent to leave Coulter behind in the rescue mission.
“I know Ms. Coulter has suffered a great deal over the past few years, especially with the botched facelift she received,” said machohideen member Bruce Willis. ”But we need to leave her put away for the good of the party.