by Skip DeKades
August 23, 2028 — Republicans are piling attacks on Democratic presidential candidate Angelina Jolie for “losing track” of how many children she has.
Spokespersons for the presidential campaign of Sen. Bobby Jindal and Republican National Committee said yesterday that Jolie’s failure to come up with the number of children she has borne and adopted means she is out of touch with everyday American couples.
“With couples today struggling with the average male’s declining sperm count, the low libido levels caused by the increasing use of psychotropic drugs, and the low supply of adoptable children both domestically and internationally, Angelina’s lack of knowledge about her family size shows she is clearly a parental elitist,” said Jindal campaign spokesman Sal F. Reitchas.
Inside the campaign of presumptive GOP nominee Bobby Jindal, Republicans are delighted with the negative coverage Jolie is attracting over the gaffe. The RNC has released “person-on-the-street” videos that show individuals displaying astonishment at Jolie’s lapse.
The Republican presidential candidate started the fuss earlier this week when she fumbled a question in a CNN.com interview about how many children she has. She hemmed and hawed, then said, “I’ll have my staff get to you.” Jolie’s advisers are counterattacking by accusing Jindal, a devout Catholic, of not having attended mass in two weeks.
Many Republicans view Jolie’s misstep as a long-awaited opportunity for revenge, recalling the 2008 presidential campaign when Democrats ridiculed John McCain for not knowing how many houses he owned.
Jindal yesterday seized on Jolie’s fumble during a campaign stop in Richmond, Va., noting that his campaign team counted Jolie’s current count of children at 37—most of them adopted from third-world countries
“If you don’t know how many kids you have, then it’s not surprising that you might think that children are relatively easy to collect,” Jindal said. “But if you’re like millions of people struggling to get pregnant or adopt a child, you might have a different perspective.”
Democratic strategist Leif Twinger defended Jolie in an interview with FU.
“Angelina has rescued dozens of children from lives of poverty and despair,” Twinger said. “So she loses track of how many. That’s understandable. This is a non-issue. We should be talking about promoting research to find out why sperm counts have fallen and to find renewable sources of children. Otherwise, 20 years from now we won’t have enough young people entering the work force to keep the Social Security fund intact, and millions of old baby boomers could starve to death.”
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