Robots Killed Because They Didn’t Understand Spanish

by Skip DeKades

September 17, 2028 — Federal Emergency Management Corporation (FEMC) says a programming error led its “2-Fer” brand dual-use robots to execute Ecuadoran mudslide victims rather than rescue them as expected.

The company late yesterday succeeded in remotely deactivating the 30 robots, after discovering the units had not been programmed to understand Spanish when in their rescue mode.

“Because of this small oversight in the design of the robots, they default to their attack mode when they encounter a language they don’t understand,” said FEMC spokesman Elmer Gensee. “The 2-Fers are programmed to recognize English and most Asian and African languages, but the designers forgot to include Spanish in its rescue protocols.”

The problem began when Ecuador President Paco Urbaga walked up to greet the 2-Fers when they arrived to help victims of the mudslides, which resulted from torrential rains and flooding that hit the South American nation early last week. The lead 2-Fer on the mission shot Urbaga in the head as soon as he began speaking.  The robots then began shooting at victims, apparently mistaking them for rebel guerillas. 

The United Nations Security Council yesterday announced it will launch a full investigation into the stupidity of the FEMC programmers.

“The United States and Latin America represent 65% of FEMC’s customer base,” said UN Security Council President Kika Suasa. “You’d think they would have made sure their robots understand Spanish.”

The Ecuador incident is the second public relations crisis to hit FEMC in the last week.  A congressional subcommittee on Sept. 9 filed a complaint with the Better Business Bureau over FEMC’s failure to provide disaster response services in San Francisco following the earthquake there earlier this month. 

After the developments in Ecuador, however, U.S. lawmakers and security experts say FEMC’s failure to live up to its contractual obligations may have been a blessing in disguise.

“Who knows what kind of language deficits these contraptions have,” said security analyst Al Armbell. “For all we know, the programmers could have forgotten to program them to understand some of San Francisco’s unique languages, like gay and hippie.  They could have killed thousands of people in the Castro and Haight-Ashbury.”

Humor-Blogs es muy comico.

France Bans Universal Translators

May 1, 2028—France’s Parliament has passed a law barring foreigners from bringing handheld universal translators into the country, saying the devices allow tourists to sidestep the hassles of not understanding French.

In a unanimous vote, the legislative body on Wednesday declared that all universal translators are to be confiscated at French customs. The U.S. of Google and the Consumer Electronics Association both decried the French government’s move, calling the legislation protectionist and isolationist.

But French President Jean-Luc DuBois countered that the language barrier is one of the last vestiges of superiority that French citizens have over foreigners.

“Pretending to not understand English, and scorning anyone who can’t speak or understand our language, is a sacred tradition that deserves to be preserved,” DuBois said. “Technology should not be allowed to take that away.”

France is the only nation to have enacted such a law. Universal translators have become the hottest selling consumer electronics device throughout the rest of world over the past two years.

Once just a figment of “Star Trek” creator Gene Roddenberry’s imagination, U.T.s first hit the market in 2024.  Using voice-recognition technology, the devices can instantly translate whatever language they hear.  A user, for example, can simply program the device to translate Spanish, Arabic or even Klingon into English.

The Travel Industry Association reports that Americans have been using universal translators in countries ranging from Italy to remote regions of Africa, although they’ve complained that the devices function poorly in many parts of Scotland.