Clinton Troops Hunt Down GOP Leaders

SPECIAL REPORT: One Nation, Under Hillary 

June 9, 2008 — Hillary Clinton’s robot troops have begun scowering the country looking for certain high-profile Republicans that the new U.S. leader wants to have arrested and imprisoned, FU has learned.

The fembots (female robots), which the former First Lady, U.S. Senator and presidential candidate purchased from an overseas arms dealer, are designed to detect brain patterns that typify extreme conservative thought. Sources say the robots have been ordered to take all die-hard Republicans into custody, and to kill anyone who resists arrest.

Clinton took over the country last week in a military coup and immediately declared martial law across the country.  The Republican roundup provides a hint of the extent she will go to douse any political resistance to her leadership.

Former U.S. President George Prescott Bush has gone into hiding, while his uncle and Oval Office alum, George W. Bush, has guards stationed around his Crawford, Texas ranch. Conservative pundit Rush Limbaugh has already been arrested and has been denied access to an attorney or a microphone.

Clinton Declares Martial Law

June 6, 2028 — Self-proclaimed U.S. President Hillary Clinton today imposed martial law across the nation to prevent any violent protests over her June 5 military coup.

“There haven’t been any rioting or protests to my knowledge,” Clinton said in a speech streamed across the Internet. “But it could happen, and I’m all for preventive care. ”

Troops supporting Clinton stormed the Googleplex in Silicon Valley early Wednesday morning and killed at least 50 Google employees before arresting Chief Executive Larry Page and his family.

Clinton imposed the military crackdown today despite the lack of evidence of any impending uprising. The Washington Post conducted a public opinion poll yesterday—just hours before Clinton ordered all mainstream media operations to shut down—and discovered that 80 percent of those surveyed were not even aware that a coup had occurred. In fact, 70 percent said they didn’t realize that the U.S. government had officially sold itself out to a corporate interest in April.

“We discovered that the NBA Finals and the season finale of CSI: The Next Generation distracted people from keeping up with the news,” the Post said in a story about the survey.

If she is able to maintain power, Clinton, 80, would be the second woman to have ever led the country (Democrat Oprah Winfrey occupied the Oval Office from 2017-2025) and the first to do so without being elected.

Clinton, whose political career began in 2000 when she was elected to the Senate representing the state of New York, has made several unsuccessful bids for the presidency over the past two decades, hoping to follow in the footsteps of her husband, Bill Clinton.  She has been active on the social-justice front, speaking out against numerous dictators in Africa and South America.

Clinton’s daughter, Chelsea Clinton-Mezvinsky, was mobbed by reporters as she deboarded a flight at Dulles International Airport near Washington, D.C. Asked if she thought her mother’s military takeover was hypocritical given her human rights advocacy, Clinton-Mezvinsky replied, ““That’s none of your business.”

Bill Clinton, who has been confined to his upstate New York home since suffering a stroke last year, was unavailable for comment.  A person answering the phone said the former president was busy getting a sponge bath from his new nurse, Veronica.