FU Quickies – April 13, 2029

Internet Pirates ‘Killed’ in Virtual Shootout
Internet police on Sunday rescued a law enforcement avatar who was being held captive by Internet pirates. Authorities managed to rescue virtual officer Thad Sanono after firing Symantec security software artillery on the pirates, pixelizing them to death.

Coming Apocalypse Slows Tax-Return Filings
The Internal Revenue Service reported today that a record 65 percent of Americans have requested extensions on filing their 2028 tax returns. The IRS attributed the surge in extension filings to the asteroid that is expected to strike Earth later this year and destroy all life on the planet. “People aren’t sure if they’re going to be here in a few months, so they figure they’ll put off filing their returns in the hopes that they’ll be dead by the time the extension deadline rolls around,” IRS spokesman Cole Lecht said.

President Jolie Brings Hybrid Pet to White House
President Angelina Jolie has adopted a hybrid dog/cat, or dat, named Mixie. Mixie is believed to be the first interspecies creature to occupy the White House, although it has long been speculated that former President George Bush was three-quarters jackass.

Internet Pirates Hold Virtual Cop Hostage

April 10, 2029 — A band of Internet pirates yesterday kidnapped a law enforcement avatar who tried to arrest them for uploading a stolen digital copy of the new hit song by the rock band Strangled Worm.

The pirates, believed to be operating somewhere in Ukraine, had hijacked a digital music site on Wednesday and stole the heavy-metal band’s new release, Fishbait Blues, but were confronted online by virtual cop Thad Sanono. The pirates overtook Sanano and are holding him hostage in a cave in the virtual world Preferred Life.

Internet police have summoned the FBI for advice on how to rescue Sanono.  The pirates are demanding 1 billion Linden Labs dollars in exchange for the hostage’s release.

Piracy has increased dramatically on the Internet over the last year, with the intellectual property bandits typically armed with peer-to-peer file-sharing software and denial-of-service assault weapons. 

The worst piracy incident occurred last June, when thieves attacked an online movie service, deleted four avatars guarding the Web site, and made off with several on-demand Hollywood films. Authorities abandoned the pursuit of the pirates, however, after determining that the stolen movies were all Eddie Murphy vehicles, and therefore of no value.

Canseco Says Baseball Rife With Genetically Enhanced Players

April 28, 2028—In a new book, former slugger José Canseco accuses several seasoned Major League players of undergoing gene therapy to keep themselves strong and competitive as they age.

Among those named in Canseco’s latest tell-all book, “New and Improved: Genetic Manipulation in the Major Leagues,” are Boston Red Sox starting pitcher C.C. Sabathia and relief pitcher Joba Chamberlain, Cleveland Indians second baseman Dustin Pedroia, and Pittsburgh Pirates third baseman Ryan Braun.  He also points the finger at Yankees short-stop Derek Jeter, who at 54 is the game’s oldest player and who has spent his entire career with the same ball club.

Canseco claims these players have been secretly meeting with scientists from the Center for Genetic Manipulation and been injected with genes designed to slow the aging process and build muscle and stamina.

“This is going to be the steroid scandal of the late 2020s and beyond,” Canseco writes in the book, to be in book stores Tuesday. “It is physically impossible for these people to continue playing at their ages without some kind of unfair genetic help.”  

Canseco offers no substantiation for his claims, and doesn’t explain how he would know anything about cheating in baseball after having been out of the game for 25 years. 

The players all denied the charges contained in Canseco’s book.  

“New and Improved” marks the eighth tell-all book that the so-called “Bad Boy of Baseball” has written since retiring in 2002.  His first book, “Juiced: Wild Times, Rampant ‘Roids, Smash Hits & How Baseball Got Big,” was published in 2005 and claimed that up to 85 percent of major league players took steroids.  Over the last quarter century, he has named former teammates including Mark McGwire, Jason Giambi and Iván Rodriguez as steroid users. And he has moved beyond baseball figures to level accusations of steroid use against other celebrities, including Madonna, Carrot Top, and the Incredible Hulk.